funk

For the past few weeks I have been in a strange state of...well, life! The laziness has completely taken over, and my will to do anything (clarinet-ing included) has completely gone. Maybe this has just been a bug going around--- considering people around me have been in this same general state, but I have been doing a lot of thinking since I have started to come out of this funk...

My whole life I have lived quite simply in the mind, but I have this drive to be good at just about everything I try to do. I think these two things, and a fear of failing, have caused me to not put my complete self into what I do. I have always known that I could be SO much better at these things I try and do...but I have been scared to give them my all for fear of being bad at them. (At least I am pretty sure that this is the reason) This attribute of myself I have named laziness. The laziness comes when I start thinking about myself, my life, life in general, the future (especially), and things I enjoy doing. If I get to a certain point in my thought process I will just stop thinking and move on to something easier to think about. I have known for a while that this is not the way to live. I have just been "too lazy" to fix it. Since my last lesson I have decided to pick out the times when I do this and force myself to continue with that thought. It is really hard to do but I know it will help me in more ways than just being able to practice more often! I may even learn something...........

I have made a little progress. Since I do enjoy playing the clarinet, drawing, organizing things, making things...ect.I have been doing these things and found that this problem arises mostly when I am doing the things I like to do! Doesn't that suck? Well, I found that if I continue doing what I enjoy, I get better at them (naturally). When I get better at things my confidence in them and myself rises a little, and I am able to think them through more as well as do more to get better at each specific thing. It also helps when I have some natural ability to do these things well. I JUST HAVE TO DO THEM.

This is just one small step, but I have time. This is just where I am and I need to continue down this path to achieve happiness in my life. (Ultimate life goal)