Spring 2012 - Participation, Clarinets and Learning about Myself

            This semester has been the most difficult and grounding semester I have had since the beginning of my time here at UNCG. I have had to deal with many more things going on at one time than usual and I became quite overwhelmed at times. But, because of these things I learned to appreciate playing the clarinet and how to make the things I enjoy playing musical. I have officially acquired a consistent focus in my sound and learned a lot about myself as a person.
             During my lesson time this semester we talked a lot about stepping outside of my comfort zone and knowing when I feel the need to stay inside that comfort zone and trying to figure out why that happens. I thought about a few possible reasons for why this happens to me:

-I never want to try new things. Ever since I can remember I never wanted to do anything..I was never involved in any sports/clubs/teams or anything. When I started playing clarinet in middle school it was because my best friend was going to do it and we wanted to be in the same class... SO this may be simply a routine for me. Living with Liam and Anna has helped me change this though, I am more open to new music/habits/movies/literature..etc., because of living with these two very different people. 

- I am scared of failure. I know this is true, but just today I overcame this fear (in a small way)! All of the practice rooms have been full with juries tomorrow and I had to practice at home. This is usually difficult because well, Anna and Liam would hear me and I would be afraid that they would think I was terrible. (this has been something that has bothered me for a long time, and I could never seem to admit it) Today, however, I really realized that they couldn't care less and I just played and played. It really was a moment of success in my mind. I have realized how useless it is to be afraid to fail. The step I am working on now is just plowing though the things I am afraid to fail at. 

Over the past week or two I have compiled a list of things I tried to back away from because of fear of failure:
-trying something completely new
-talking to people I don't know..particularly people I find intriguing
-singing for people 
-playing clarinet for people(practicing even)
-exercising my own musical ideas for others
-changing my systems of cleaning/cooking
-thinking about the future, and making plans for it
-giving a presentation/speech
-talking in general I am afraid of 

Every single thing on this list could be fixed by just getting over my fear and doing it. I know this is true but it is still difficult to get over this. It is something I am working on long-term.

I have spent a lot of time in my practice sessions listening to music. I have found a lot of nice recordings of the pieces I will play in my recital and really like all of the music I am going to play. Listening, to me, is a big part of learning music, and it really inspires me to practice as well as helps me play with a piano. Listening also gives me many ideas and options in which to play the music.

=^.^=

October

All these scales are a lot to play every day I realised. Something very important that I noticed aboout playing them though, is that I can play for a longer duration of time after I do these scales.

Motivation!

I think I need a better system for it though...I was talking to Liam and he said that he plays one scale a day in multiple patterns and different ways. I think giving this a try would be very useful. I mainly worked out of Dr. Burke's Clarinet Warm Up book this week pages 42-44. The speed is definitley getting there, and consistently between scales...but not so much when I try to do them memorized. I think I have a brain block of some sort. Anyway, I think continuing to play them every day will benefit me greatly! So I shall do this!

Anna helped me find a nice long list of all the Paris Conservatory pieces....this is the link:

 

http://test.woodwind.org/clarinet/BBoard/read.html?f=1&i=143338&t=143338

It was so cool looking at all of these!

 

Listened to:

- Premiere Fantaisie Georges Marty

- Fantaisie Augusta Holmes

- Fantaisie Orientale Max D’Ollone 

- Pastorale Henri Busser

They all sound so similar but I think I enjoyed the Marty fantasie the most...there were many on the list that I wanted to hear but couldn't find a recording of! :( I also enjoyed the Busser Pastorale. Scores are not online. -.-

 

De Falla Hommage is getting better and better! It is very exciting to play music that I enjoy.

 

 

Also, thank you for being patient with me this semester, I realised that I am not used to being so overwhelmed and pressured. I am still figuring out how to deal with it all. :)

Week 1-2 things

Anxiety:

When I've been noticing it
-When I don't practice one day (or realize I won't have time to)
  >not sure why I feel anxious when this happens yet.
- Thinking about my relationships with people and how they will turn out in the future (drifting apart, moving away, changing)
   >I am not sure yet, but the only reason I can come up with for this is that I am scared of change and not   knowing what will happen in the future.
- Thinking about the future in general.
   >I am unsure of what I Want to do overall, and am worried that I am running out of time to decide. Even further in the future, I am worried that my decisions now will cause me to have an unhappy life and no way to escape that.
   >I have always said that happiness is the key to life.
-I feel like something needs to change in my life right now, but I don't know what it is or how to do it.
   >I may also be subconsciously preventing this change because of my fear of it...


Recording myself:

Thoughts..
I don't like listening to myself. Probably for reasons most people don't like it..you are your worst critic and such.
I also realized for real that I have no natural ability to be musical with my phrases. Well, maybe there's something there but it only happens in certain conditions.
I have a problem with getting tired too fast and running out of air as well.
   >this also makes me anxious because since I know I may get tired or run out of air, I worry and forget about phrasing nicely. :(
   >I also don't have the talent for planning phrases, and since I believe this I often don't plan them before I begin to play...

-And I am uninterested in trying to work on things I don't enjoy. I learned this by playing the Bassi Rigoletto. I wanted to play JeanJean no. 5 much more than Bassi. :D

Participation Blog - The Blog of All Blogs

This semester has flown by...I am not quite sure how we have arrived at this point, but now I am finally going to stop and think about everything that has happened.

The semester for me has been filled with a lot of thoughts and worries...mainly about the future and what I could possibly do with my life. Writing these blogs over the weeks has really helped me to be motivated to "think about my thoughts." I have known for the better part of my life that I have MANY thoughts but never really stop to think them through or what they all say about me. Though it is a slow process, I am beginning to get much better at this. I know writing blogs has helped me, and I know that this is a very important thing to get better at.

As far as clarinet improvements, there are two main ones that really have effected me and my playing this semester. The first is sound, though it is not 100 percent there yet, I believe it is getting more and more consistent every day. I think playing in ensembles and getting reminders in lessons has really helped me to notice when my sound isn't as good as it can be. It is cool when I can use my ensemble time for something like this, although when tuning is an issue it can make things a little complicated!

The second, and more recent, development is my tonguing. More specifically my tonguing of higher notes. We have recently figured a lot of things out with this, and I am so happy that it is finally coming together. But this is a more long term goal than my sound. I have to work on it EVERY DAY this summer.

Overall, I think this semester has been very insightful, and using the blogs to remind myself to think about what I am doing is quite helpful. Although I haven't been in the best of places in my head, I know I have learned a lot and started a few good long term projects.

This week has been a little clarinet- absent for me. As far as practicing alone in a practice room. I have done a lot of rehearsing (concert week) as well as rehearsals with my accompanist for my jury. We haven't had much time for this though, because her recital was yesterday. Anyway, I did a lot of listening to the Copland Sonata and I really enjoy this piece! It is a little difficult to put together with a piano though, especially when we are both unsure of the way our parts fit together. I also did a little thinking about next year and recitals and such. I know we talked about me possibly having a recital per semester, but I am not sure of what I would play. I do think this is something I would like to do though.

I have been a little scattered recently, but hopefully after today is over it will all be a bit more clear!

It's Always Something

For the past two weeks I have been dealing with insane allergies- not unlike most people. The thing I am not used to, however, is this sore throat that tagged along with my other usual symptoms. I have found that it is only painful when I wake up in the morning, and whenever I talk a lot or decide I would like to play my clarinet!

I haven't been able to play very much recently because of this, and it is a little strange because I have found myself really wanting to practice during this time. Since it is painful to play, I have found myself feeling very unhappy and unfulfilled. Not to mention anxious with juries and lessons and rehearsals with my trio and accompanist! As well as playing in wind ensemble and sectionals for that. There is a concert coming up and things are getting a bit rigorous in that department.

I really despise the feeling that is anxious. (Not quite as much as I hate feeling jealous, but they are close). This feeling to me is uncontrollable and I don't know what to do about it considering the only way I can think of is by practicing.....hence, I am in a little bit of a rut! I know I am not prepared for the lesson I am to have today at 3 o'clock, but I can't bring myself to cancel it. I don't want to cancel it! I just feel like there is so much I have to do before then end of this school year, and having lessons and talking about it really helps me.

That is what has been going on recently, and I am not a fan. There always seems to be some issue! Hopefully it clears up soon................... :)

Life

Yesterday I had a very productive day. Well productive as far as my "school duties" go. I started studying for an exam that I have tomorrow and I even went back to the school to practice at night. I felt really energized for some reason! This was great..but I can't seem to do it regularly.

Also the weather was just wonderful last night. I took a break from practicing and went outside to enjoy the night time outside-ness and had a small revelation! I was sitting on a rock and realized that if my reason for living is to be happy, I have to do my best to figure out what exactly can make me happy! I can't make any assumptions about life and being "depressed" until I completely figure this out. I HAVE TIME!

AND tonguing is getting better. AND spring break is soon...